mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
