well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
