My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
