She just used a chaser for red wine.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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