The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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