i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
