i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
