I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
