I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
