John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
