so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
