just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.