Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.