I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
