Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
