I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
