We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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