I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
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I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
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I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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