so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
