I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
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He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Damn victory sex feels great
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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