shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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