made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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