My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
