I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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