i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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