Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Randomize
