So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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