When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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