It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
