hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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