My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
