did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
