He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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