Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
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no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
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Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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