today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
