Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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