I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
