Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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