4 words: hood of his car
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
