God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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