Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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