It's Friday. Sex?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
