So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
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You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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