apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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