so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
