Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes