textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
