Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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