Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
