hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
