Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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