The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
