did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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