Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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