i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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