I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
